An Australian call centre employee has become an overnight net celeb down under after an email exchange between him and his firm's workforce manager regarding a "sickie" escaped into the wild yesterday.
This is truly a classic, read on...
From: Niresh Regmi Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:35 a.m. To: Kyle Doyle Subject: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008 Hi Kyle, Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21st 2008. Thank You
NIRESH REGMI Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
From: Kyle Doyle Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:38 a.m. To: Niresh Regmi Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Niresh, 1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons. Thanks Regards,
Kyle Doyle Resolutions Expert - Technical
From: Niresh Regmi Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:39 a.m. To: Kyle Doyle Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Kyle, Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. You line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion.
NIRESH REGMI
From: Kyle Doyle Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:43 a.m. To: Niresh Regmi Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Niresh, My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager's discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested. Thanks Regards,
Kyle Doyle
From: Niresh Regmi Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:50 a.m. To: Kyle Doyle Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008
Hi Kyle, I believe the proof that you are after is below
Brilliant. To his credit, the busted Doyle concludes:
From: Kyle Doyle Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:55 a.m. To: Niresh Regmi Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21st 2008 HAHAHA LMAO epic fail No worries man Regards,
I stumbled across this video earlier and actually lolled. Absolutely hilarious. Give it a few minutes to get going, and if you work in technical support, or have ever had to speak to us tech guys, I'm sure you'll find this hilarious.
Please note, there are a few mild swear words in the video. Head on over to The Website is Down for the full story and other fun and games.
UK Televsion channel 'Dave' have compiled a list of the world's oldest recorded jokes. I recommend you hold on to your sides for they may well split as here comes the top ten:
1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)
2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)
3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)
4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?" (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)
5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)
6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)
7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)
8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)
9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)
10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)
What with it currently being exam season over here in the UK, it reminded me of my exam days, and those classic and desperate answers I would write down when faced with an exam question I had no idea of the answer to.
Take a look at some of these answers I found while trawling the web - some real brilliant ones!
Not sure if any of you have ever seen that classic Simpsons episode where Homer leaves his car in the middle of a city plaza. Of course, it gets clamped - so Homer decides to drive the car home with the clamp still firmly attached. Hilarity abounds.
Ian Taylor, from Tredworth in Gloucestershire has gone one better, he has cut his car in half after an argument over wheel clamping.
The car was untaxed and was declared as SORN, but an ever-eager clamper saw one of the rear wheels was poking out onto the pavement by a whopping inch and a half.
Ian then came home from work to find that the NCP had clamped the car, he explained in vain that the car was declared as SORN but they just wouldn't listen. After numerous heated discussions, Ian decided that enough was enough and went and got his disc cutter.
Good on you, that's what I say. Full story over at the Beeb.
Darth Vader has had a warrant issued for his arrest after a crazed and drunken attack with a metal crutch.
It all started while cousins Barney and Michael Jones (the former being aka Jedi Master Jonba Heho and founder of the UK's Jedi Church) were filming an interview in Holyhead for a television programme. Darth Vader then jumped a garden fence, crutch in hand, and battered the poor chaps, leaving one with a headache and the other with slight bruising. The maniacal vader-a-like attacker was described as wearing a black bin liner, a "shiny black helmet" and was heard to shout "Darth Vader" seconds before the savage attack. The two battered cousins were left "upset" by the incident which they believe was "pre-planned".
Although Wynne Jones appeared in court earlier this week for the attack, by the time the case was finished he had harnessed the power of the dark side and disappeared. Accordingly, District Judge Andrew Shaw ordered police to hunt down the miscreant, and concluded: "I hope the force will soon be with him."
Latest reports now suggest he is now back in court and the case is continuing.
Brilliantly, it turns out that Mr. Jones had drunk the best part of a 10 litre box of wine prior to the attack. He also said he had no idea where the metal crutch he used for the beating had come from.
Full story and hilarious video of the attack over at the Beeb.
Super-rich businessman and all round nice guy Richard Branson totally duped several hundred mobile industry insiders at the CTIA Wireless trade show in Las Vegas by telling them all he had teamed up with Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin to fly a solar powered Noah's Ark to Mars.
What makes this so genius is that they all believed him.
Here's how it went:
"I'm sure all of you here know Google. Google and Virgin have got together, and we've formed a new company called Virgle," Branson said, midway through his CTIA keynote. "Larry and Sergey put a considerable amount of investment in - and I put in a slightly lesser investment. The values of our companies are slightly different.
"Basically, what we're doing is building a giant Noah's Ark, a space ship that is powered by the sun, and it will carry 30 passengers."
The room stayed silent, Richard kept going.
"The reason we're calling it a giant Noah's Ark is that we're taking animals on board. We're taking beasts on board. And the idea is to head towards Mars with the plan - in our lifetime, hopefully - to actually put people on Mars and build a city on Mars."
This is where eveyone erupted into applause. Go Richy go.
"But there's a catch for the people who are going," Branson continued. "They may not come back. But I'm sure that by the time we finish the work we're doing on Mars, it will be very beautiful for people to live there."
Head on over to Google's official Virgle page and sign up for the first trip - which will happen in 2016.
To everyone who attended CTIA - the day Richard gave that speech was April Fool's day, and Larry Page was married on Branson's caribbean island. If you still don't believe me, click here.
Being April 1st, everyone becomes "hilarious" for a day - telling people unbelievable stories, using superglue in all manner of precarious places, and generally just arsing about.
Also, everyone is extra cautious when reading the news, waiting for that one story which sounds so unbelievable it must be a prank.
Listed below are 10 of todays bizarre news stories, all of which are true. I've thrown in an extra one that isn't though ;)
1. A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.
2. A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner's garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn't get his fix. The Sun has a couple of gob-smacking pictures of the turtle doing a rather good impression of Dot Cotton.
3. The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.
4. An injection that allows women bigger and better orgasms by increasing the size of the mysterious G-spot is being launched in the UK, says the Sun. The £800 collagen jab takes less than half-an-hour and is given under local anaesthetic.
5. School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK's ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.
6. Wind turbines or solar panels built by UK companies anywhere in the world could count towards Britain's renewable energy targets under controversial government proposals, according to the Financial times.
7. You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.
8. The traditional Chinese martial art T'ai Chi can help control diabetes, reports the Daily Mail. Apparently, researchers have found the flowing movements and deep breathing involved can result in a fall in blood sugar levels.
9. A thief has walked out of a busy Norwegian aquarium with a crocodile that was over two feet long, says the Independent.
10. Drinkers have been banned from calling barmaids "love". An outraged Daily Star says new discrimination laws mean landlords that allow punters to chat up staff could be hauled before a tribunal and face unlimited fines.
Super-rich businessman and all round nice guy 