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Wed 23rd April 2008

Arrest warrant issued for Darth Vader


Filed under: Humour

Darth Vader has had a warrant issued for his arrest after a crazed and drunken attack with a metal crutch.


It all started while cousins Barney and Michael Jones (the former being aka Jedi Master Jonba Heho and founder of the UK's Jedi Church) were filming an interview in Holyhead for a television programme.  Darth Vader then jumped a garden fence, crutch in hand, and battered the poor chaps, leaving one with a headache and the other with slight bruising.  The maniacal vader-a-like attacker was described as wearing a black bin liner, a "shiny black helmet" and was heard to shout "Darth Vader" seconds before the savage attack.  The two battered cousins were left "upset" by the incident which they believe was "pre-planned".

Although Wynne Jones appeared in court earlier this week for the attack, by the time the case was finished he had harnessed the power of the dark side and disappeared.  Accordingly, District Judge Andrew Shaw ordered police to hunt down the miscreant, and concluded: "I hope the force will soon be with him."

Latest reports now suggest he is now back in court and the case is continuing.

Brilliantly, it turns out that Mr. Jones had drunk the best part of a 10 litre box of wine prior to the attack.  He also said he had no idea where the metal crutch he used for the beating had come from.

Full story and hilarious video of the attack over at the Beeb.
 
 
Wed 2nd April 2008

Virgle (Genius)


Filed under: Humour

Super-rich businessman and all round nice guy Richard Branson totally duped several hundred mobile industry insiders at the CTIA Wireless trade show in Las Vegas by telling them all he had teamed up with Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin to fly a solar powered Noah's Ark to Mars.

What makes this so genius is that they all believed him. 

Here's how it went:


"I'm sure all of you here know Google. Google and Virgin have got together, and we've formed a new company called Virgle," Branson said, midway through his CTIA keynote. "Larry and Sergey put a considerable amount of investment in - and I put in a slightly lesser investment. The values of our companies are slightly different.

"Basically, what we're doing is building a giant Noah's Ark, a space ship that is powered by the sun, and it will carry 30 passengers."

The room stayed silent, Richard kept going.

"The reason we're calling it a giant Noah's Ark is that we're taking animals on board. We're taking beasts on board. And the idea is to head towards Mars with the plan - in our lifetime, hopefully - to actually put people on Mars and build a city on Mars."

This is where eveyone erupted into applause.  Go Richy go.

"But there's a catch for the people who are going," Branson continued. "They may not come back. But I'm sure that by the time we finish the work we're doing on Mars, it will be very beautiful for people to live there."

Head on over to Google's official Virgle page and sign up for the first trip - which will happen in 2016.

To everyone who attended CTIA - the day Richard gave that speech was April Fool's day, and Larry Page was married on Branson's caribbean island.  If you still don't believe me, click here.

 
 
Tue 1st April 2008

April Fools!


Filed under: Humour

Being April 1st, everyone becomes "hilarious" for a day - telling people unbelievable stories, using superglue in all manner of precarious places, and generally just arsing about.

Also, everyone is extra cautious when reading the news, waiting for that one story which sounds so unbelievable it must be a prank.

Listed below are 10 of todays bizarre news stories, all of which are true.  I've thrown in an extra one that isn't though ;)

1. A new pay-per-view funeral service scheme is being launched today. The Daily Mail says the scheme at Southampton Crematorium allows mourners to grieve from home by watching proceedings online.

2. A turtle is addicted to nicotine. He became addicted after picking up the smouldering butts in his owner's garden, in Kouqian, China, and sulks if he doesn't get his fix. The Sun has a couple of gob-smacking pictures of the turtle doing a rather good impression of Dot Cotton.




3. The menopause is caused by the age-old battle between wives and mothers-in-law, reports the Times. As long as 50,000 to 300,000 years ago, competition for food in a family unit was a battle won by the younger women who fed their offspring, which led to the older women losing their ability to breed. With food hard to find, mothers-in-law tended to help rear the grandchildren rather than have more children themselves.

4. An injection that allows women bigger and better orgasms by increasing the size of the mysterious G-spot is being launched in the UK, says the Sun. The 800 collagen jab takes less than half-an-hour and is given under local anaesthetic.

5. School desks and chairs are to be enlarged to meet the needs of the UK's ever-heavier schoolchildren, reports the Express. On average British children are a centimetre taller than they were 10 years ago, and there are more obese youngsters, so desks supplied to UK schools will reflect this.

6. Wind turbines or solar panels built by UK companies anywhere in the world could count towards Britain's renewable energy targets under controversial government proposals, according to the Financial times.

7. You will soon be able to have a tattoo on your teeth, reports the Sun. Steve Heward, the dentist who started the craze in the US plans to set up in Britain.

8. The traditional Chinese martial art T'ai Chi can help control diabetes, reports the Daily Mail. Apparently, researchers have found the flowing movements and deep breathing involved can result in a fall in blood sugar levels.

9. A thief has walked out of a busy Norwegian aquarium with a crocodile that was over two feet long, says the Independent.

10. Drinkers have been banned from calling barmaids "love". An outraged Daily Star says new discrimination laws mean landlords that allow punters to chat up staff could be hauled before a tribunal and face unlimited fines.

And finally, flying Penguins.  More over at The Beeb.

 
 
Fri 7th March 2008

Playmobil's Security Check Point


Filed under: Humour

As a child, I was happy playing with Lego bricks, shooting baddies with plastic pistols, and generally "larking about" on my Raleigh Grifter.  I mean, I'm 27 now and I'm still drawing pictures of cars with guns on top.

So, I was a little surprised to see that the kids of today are able to buy an Airport Security Checkpoint from Playmobil.



However, I have saved the best for last.  Check out the following customer comment for the product at Amazon.com.  Pure comedy gold.

"I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger's shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger's scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said "that's the worst security ever!". But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.

The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I've heard that the CCTV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I'll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush)."
 
 
Tue 4th March 2008

Volkswagen Dog


Filed under: Humour

Well, I was laying on the sofa last night with a cup of tea watching TV when all of a sudden an advert came on which made me laugh until I dropped my bowl of Rainbow Drops all over the laminate.

It has to be the best advert on TV at the moment, have a look and see what you think.



 
 
Tue 26th February 2008

TV's top 25 put-downs


Filed under: Humour

The Radio Times have published a list of the top 25 put-downs in TV history, chosen from both UK and US programs.

Here they are in all their non-televisual, written word, you really need to see it rather than read it glory.

Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers. To Sybil: "Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?"

Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: "Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face."

Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. "Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!"

Carla - Cheers. Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."

Patsy Stone - Absolutely Fabulous. "One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard."

Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?" Jim: "No. We can still see your face."

Malcolm Tucker - The Thick Of It. To a junior minister: "All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!"

Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: "Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show." Waldorf: "Who's a fool? You watched it."

Inspector Monkfish - The Fast Show. To a bereaved woman: "I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea."

No Offence - The Fast Show. "I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring which, given your age, means you're divorced or a lesbian."

Rupert Rigsby - Rising Damp. To lodger Alan, who complains his room is too cold to study in: "The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down."

Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: "She said to me last time, 'You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I've got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.' So I said, 'Yeah? I've got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet."'

The Professor - The Mary Whitehouse Experience.
"I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo." "That's because it's been inside your mum's bra."

Alf Garnett - Till Death Us Do Part. "You Scouse git!"

Alexis Carrington - Dynasty. "I'm glad to see your father had your teeth fixed - if not your mouth."

JR Ewing - Dallas. "Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks."

Dr Perry Cox - Scrubs. Dr Elliot Reid: "I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether." Dr Cox: "Then on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah."

Dr Gregory House - House. "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking."

Gary Strang - Men Behaving Badly. "Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is if you're both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex."

Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."

Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm. "Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."

Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: "I think you've forgotten who you're talking to." Sam: "An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"

Captain Mainwaring - Dad's Army. "You stupid boy!"
 
 
Sun 17th February 2008

Lee Mack Live


Filed under: Humour

Last night we saw the legend that is Lee Mack, not quite live, but nearly, we watched him on DVD.

Definitely worth a watch, it's only 4.99 at play.com so you have no excuse. 

Brilliantly funny - not quite Peter Kay, but getting there.  Anyway, heres a clip for you to be getting on with ;)




 
 
Wed 6th February 2008

Clarksonisms


Filed under: Humour

Just finished reading Clarkson's latest book 'Don't stop me now', and it's actually pretty good.  And that's quite a compliment coming from someone who normally only reads books with soldiers or guns on the front.  Hilarity abounds from page to page, very witty throughout.

While admiring JC's writing style, I wondered if there was such a thing as a Clarksonism.  So to prove the point, I turned to the one place which is guaranteed to answer any complex quandry.  Google.

Turns out, there is such a thing as a "Clarksonism", here are some of my favourites:

About the Porsche Cayman S:
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean."

"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson: "you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"

Read more here.  Alternatively, do what I did and Google it.